This can’t be life. 83 shades of dumb as fuck it seems everyone I meet is. I throw up in my mouth at least twice a day. I’m convinced there’s an undercurrent of inbreeding that needs to be looked into. Everyone is almost tolerable, yet so insufferably off-putting all at one. I’d piss in their lemonade were I given the chance.
Anyway hello. Nice to meet you. Greeting. Salutations. I love blow jobs. Hakuna…matisyahu. My name is Tucker and yes I hate you already. My big toe probably smells like pussy and I’d fill out a mall survey for a pack of Twizzlers right now. I haven’t showered in three days unless you count my homeboy pouring all the half-empty beers on me while I was passed out under his  fish tank after his last party.
Yes, there’s a good chance I’ve asked your mother to sit on my face –> and about 22% of the time I was joking. I’m constipated, but that hasn’t stopped my ass from belching the most horrid storm clouds your nose will probably ever shake hands with.
Let’s see. Did I mention that I jacked off in the punch? Yeah…that wasn’t just froth. That’s something I need to work on as well. Speaking of punch, will y’all be serving snacks like finger foods up in this bitch? I smoked a gordo doob on my way here and I think the munchies are reporting for duty.
Hey toots! Yeah you by the Kleenex. Be a doll and pass me a wad down here. I face planted in a plate of Miley Cyrus for breakfast this morning and my nose is starting to run uncontrollably. Thanks whore. I’ll tickle your bean in the back of my Buick after we are released if you’d like. Give me a head start and I’ll throw back a couple of shots and there’ll be a good chance I’ll suck the demons out of your womb as well.
Anyway, poverty, whoredom, and gambling addiction bring me here today. That coupled with a bad habit of exposing my genitals in front of surveillance cameras or stealing out of offering plates at almost every church in this conservative, little town. Fucked a few pastor’s wives too.
While I’m on the subject, I’ve got a trunk full of women’s heels, Gucci belts, DVDs, and Italian leather fanny packs going for the low low if any of you fucktards are interested. I might have a few waist trainers left too. I see a few bad built hoes among us.
But yeah I’m a fighter and a lover. I’ll beat that pussy up. I’m not opposed to prostituting myself. I like nice things. If anyone has a cigarette, I’d be happy to bum one off of you. But I think that’s my time.
Wait!! Before I sit down. Giving honor to God who is the head of my life. The Gospels, deacons, Epistles, and Sadducees. Go Thunder! Amen.
Moderator: Are you sure you’re here for speed dating sir?
Tucker: Oh my bad (whips out dick) any takers? I don’t mind the ones who spit, but I prefer the ones who gargle then swallow. Holla at ya boy!!!!

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